It really begs the question, what was going on with the toilet paper prior to this sign appearing?
The Dangerous Days of Daniel X by James Patterson August 15, 2008
Meet Daniel X, a 15 year old alien hunter ridding the earth of incorrigible aliens. The Dangerous Days of Daniel X is book one of a series, and this particular, um, episode gives us a glimpse of Daniel’s life and family history as well as his encounter with Seth Ergent, number six on The List of Alien Outlaws.
According to the Young Adult Library Services Association, boys more often than girls don’t like to read because they find it “boring,” they “like other activities better” and they “can’t get into the stories.” I checked in with Beth Patin, head librarian of The Holy Cross School in New Orleans, an all boys school grades 5-12, who said, “Boys do read. They just don’t associate themselves with the type of books that most English teachers suggest. Teachers often assign classic novels that are perceived as uninteresting. It would liven things up if a teacher would assign a current story, that maybe has an Ipod in it.”
She encourages her students to read by “Finding out what they are interested in and then making a connection with a book in that subject area. Boys love technology: audio-books, the Amazon Kindle, and electronic books are great formats for guys.”
So will Daniel X make the cut?
I asked Patin to help me out in a completely unscientific survey and asked all the students who stopped by her library during lunchtime whether or not they would read this book based on the description above. Out of ten students, seven said yes, one asked for more details, one said he’d read it already (nerd alert) and one, interestingly, repsonded “I don’t read.”
James Patterson, the father of a ten year old boy himself, aims to give boys something they’ll want to read. Seizing on the facts that boys like action and are more inclined to read comics and graphic novels over other forms of fiction, Patterson included in The Dangerous Days of Daniel X all the action, dialogue, drama, aliens, and superpowers one might expect to find in a comic book or graphic novel, replete with jokes and gross-out material (think scum, ooze, earwax, and the word “spaghetti-like”). Surprisingly, no skateboarding, which I had fully expected.
The Dangerous Days of Daniel X is quick reading and does feel like I’m reading the thoughts of a boy. Some of the dialogue gets a little silly for me, but then again, I’ve overheard boys’ conversations and they sometimes sound silly too (and yes, I’m sure they think I sound ridiculous). As a mother, I give this the mom-stamp of approval for boys. It’s clean and it follows all the basic elements of novel writing, so it’s a good starter book to interest boys in reading before they move on to heavier stuff. All in all, I’ll pass this copy on to my nephew and I think he’ll enjoy it.
Things to know:
Buy the book here.
The book’s website here.
Want to read and review books like this? Go here.
P.S. On another note, congrats to Beckie, who won the CD giveaway.
Princess Bride Love August 14, 2008
My best Princess Bride story is this:
I used to work with a guy, Mark*. Mark was a small Asian man who laughed exactly like Dr. Evil. He was awesome. And whenever he told us a story that he thought was funny, he would end it laughing like Dr. Evil, and regardless of whether or not the story was funny, it became funny at that moment.
So Mark is telling us this story about his friend who worked for a sporting goods store, like Sport Chalet, and the friend was working the register, and rang up some people purchasing ski gear that he had helped to pick out. After they walked away, Mark’s friend waved and said, “Have fun storming the castle!”
The people next in line gasped and said, “What did you just say!??!!”
And Mark’s friend said, “Have fun storming the castle? You know, Princess Bride?”
And the people said, “I thought you said, ‘Have fun skiing, you asshole.’”
Funny, yes?
Now imagine being told that story by a small Asian man who ended with, “And they said, (hand gesture for emphasis) ‘HAVE FUN SKIING, YOU ASSHOLE—BWAHAHAHA… BWAHAHAHA… BWAHAHAHA!!!!”
Yeah.
My friends are that ridiculous.
So. On to 13 other wonderful lines from The Princess Bride.
1. Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late!
2. In the meantime, rest well… and dream of large women.
3. You mean, you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
4. I could give you my word as a Spaniard!
5. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
6. He is very very short on… Charm!
7. Oh, you mean this gate key.
8. The Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of PU-TRESCENCE!
9. True love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce, and tomato? Where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe… they’re so perky, I love that.
10. Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
11. Whoo hoo, look who knows so much!
12. Because iocaine comes from Australia!
13. You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
Clearly, I left out some obvious ones. Go ahead, tell me yours…
(*names have been changed to protect the ridiculous, BWAHAHAHA!)
NYC Midnight Contest August 12, 2008
To all NYC Midnight viewers, welcome to my blog. Story below.
To my regular blog readers, I’m participating in NYC Midnight’s Creative Writing Competition, which entails a series of short fiction timed writing assignments. This past weekend, I had 48 hours to write a comedy 1000 words or less that took place in an auto shop and involved chopsticks (I know, wtf?).
Enjoy (or don’t, as the case may be)—
“What Happens in Vegas”
Synopsis: Nipple rings and Elvis, or another day in the life for an auto repair shop guy in Las Vegas.
The first thing I noticed about the guy was his nipple. He walked into my auto repair shop wearing the kind of tank top that curved inward in the front. Girls sometimes wore them over bikinis in the ads in my auto parts supply magazines, and they looked all right, but this guy—what was he thinking? Both of his nipples were showing and one of them was pierced. It was a gold hoop with a charm hanging off of it. I couldn’t quite tell what it was, though. Golf clubs? A ballpoint?
The guy started in with his story, the same song I’ve heard sung from all my customers. My shop is in south Las Vegas. People from all over the country, hell, the world, have come into my shop with unexpected car problems, ending their tales with the same words: “Only me! This only happens to me!”
I always want to respond to these stories, it’s not just you and it’s not bad luck. It’s never getting your oil changed or never looking into that rattle that you’ve been hearing for four months or not replacing your tires when they have no tread. Or trying to go off-roading in a friggin’ Sebring, which is what Nipple Guy had done.
I handed Nipple Guy a blank form for his contact information. He stood at the counter, scribbling into the blank spaces, and the charm on his nipple jiggled. The pierced nipple looked different from the regular one—pinker, redder, purpler, swollen. I was horrified but couldn’t take my eyes off it. I feared it might burst, or at the very least, ooze. I once cut my finger off, and it got an infection while growing back. Those were tough days, and I had to wonder, while looking at this guy’s blistery bauble, if he’d remembered to take his prescription antibiotics.
The charm jiggled again, and I realized what it was: chopsticks. I wanted to ask him why he was wearing a chopsticks charm, but I didn’t want to let on I’d been looking at his nipple. But really, why? He was ruining my entire Chinese restaurant experience standing in front of me with those chopsticks dangling from his nipple. I’d never be able to eat orange chicken again, I thought. I’d only taste nipple.
“Your car will be ready at three o’clock, sir,” I said. “Do you plan on waiting here?”
He said yes, and sat down in the waiting area. Of all the times for one of my customers to wait. Couldn’t he walk across the street to the Station casino and expose himself to the old ladies at the nickel slots?
I started helping the next customers, a group of girls who’d been in Vegas for the weekend. They seemed to be in competition for who could spill the best details about each other’s indiscretions, each trying to top the other in what dirty little secret they could tell. After every tale—and there were quite a few for one weekend—they laughed and said, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
My next customer was Elvis. He looked exactly like the young Elvis, with thick black hair, and he even spoke with a southern drawl. He filled out his paperwork and when he walked over to the waiting area, I heard him say, “Reg, is that you? I thought that was you!”
An hour later, the guys and I were hard at work listening to a mix of Los Fabulosos Cadillacs and Creedence Clearwater Revival when one of the girls-night-out girls opened the door to our garage. “Sir!” she said. “Excuse me! Sir!” She looked terrified and when I got over to her, I could hear noise in the waiting area. “There’s a problem,” she said.
Elvis and Nipple Guy were in the throes of a fist fight, with the girls-night-out girls huddled in one corner. We entered the room just as Elvis reached for the nipple ring.
I never knew it was possible for a group of men and women to scream in vicarious pain at the same time, but it sounded something like “Ahhhhhhh…” that started off really loud, and then faded to gaped mouths and no additional words. Nipple Guy writhed on the floor, clutching his nipple while flinging insults at the Elvis guy and his mama. And the real Elvis. Which hardly seemed necessary. Elvis Presley was a talented man.
We called the police, the hospital. When it was all said and done, Elvis was taken by the police, Nipple Guy was taken to the hospital for stitches, and we were behind three hours on our workload. The girls-night-out girls were much more subdued and ready to go when their car was done.
That night, my girlfriend showed me a news report that she’d recorded earlier about the fight. It turned out Nipple Guy and Elvis knew each other. Nipple Guy was dating Elvis’ ex-girlfriend and Elvis had only gone into my car shop because he’d been looking for an opportunity to confront Nipple Guy. The sight of the chopsticks charm on Nipple Guy had pushed Elvis over the edge. Apparently, the girlfriend ran a kiosk at the mall selling decorative chopsticks and jewelry, and had once given Elvis the same exact charm.
“Looks like you had a fun day,” my girlfriend said.
I thought of those girls-night-out girls, probably driving home right then, horrified or amused, or both, by the day’s events. I could already imagine how the story would be told and re-told to everyone at home.
“You know what they say,” I said and stretched out on the couch. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
The end.
In other news, I can’t wait to see what kind of Google searches lead people to my blog, due to excessive use of the word nipple – perverts or breastfeeders? Either way, sorry I don’t have what you’re looking for. But I do have this:
Mmmm, tasty!
Carnival of Family Life: In the Movies August 11, 2008
I’ve done a movie theatre carnival and a quotes of the day carnival, now here’s a carnival with quotes from movies. Can you guess which movies these lines came from? (answers at bottom)
Education
1. “I’m a teacher. All I need are minds for molding.”
Tammy presents Is Deschooling All that Important? posted at Life Without School.
Heather Johnson presents The Changing Face of Pedagogy posted at Et cetera.
Family Cooking & Recipes
2. “Dessert! Chilled monkey brains.”
Jennifer presents Summertime Recipes From the Family Cookbook posted at Diary of 1.
Expat Chef presents What’s for Lunch? Lunch Packing Tips posted at The Expatriate’s Kitchen, saying, offering a few lunch box tips to keep things fresh and healthy during the upcoming school year.
Family Crafts and Activities
3. “Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.”
K presents Your Own Seaside Resort posted at Almost Frugal.
Modern Parent presents Summer Fun: Splish Splash He’s Not Taking a Bath posted at Modernparent.org.
Tip Diva presents Top Ten Tips - Throwing A Decade-Themed Party posted at Tip Diva, explaining,”Decade-themed parties are a nostalgic, fun way to celebrate a special occation. Here are fun ways to bring back the ‘good ol’ days.’”
Yi Hui Chang presents Picking blackberries for free posted at The Simple Wealth.
sWenchypoo presents TV D-Day: Will You Need a Converter Box? posted at Wisdom From Wenchypoo’s Mental Wastebasket. She says, “If you television viewing is a family activity at your house, be forewarned.”
HowToMe presents How to Sew Toddler Bedding posted at HowToMe.
Patricia Twitchell presents Bear Collecting; what’s the thrill? posted at Just Bears and Stuff. Patricia notes that “collecting things, like teddy bears, is the passion of countless numbers of people around the world” and she’s interested in understanding why.
Family Finance
4. “I’m so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.”
Matthew Paulson presents 5 Ways to Find Back to School Bargains posted at American Consumer News.
Lauren Rose presents Tips on How to Teach Your Kids to Save Money posted at No Debt Anymore .org. Lauren says that the “concept of buying something tomorrow instead of today is a difficult concept for kids to master. Exaggerating your explanation of the benefits derived may help them understand.”
Debt Freedom Fighter presents Why Personal Debt Is At Its Highest Level Ever posted at Discover Debt Freedom!.
Money Answer Guy presents Should I consider buying a motor scooter to save money? - The Money Answer Guy posted at The Money Answer Guy.
Lazy Man and Money presents Ways Not Having a Job Impacts Our Personal Finances posted at Lazy Man and Money.
Silicon Valley Blogger presents Avoid A Bitter Family Feud: Estate Planning To The Rescue! » Silicon Valley Blog About Money posted at The Digerati Life.
Family Health and Wellness
5. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
Batya presents “Old age is not for sissies” posted at me-ander.
Fiona King presents 25 Ways to Make an Organic Lifestyle More Affordable posted at Organicasm.
Laura Scarborough presents for the sleepless new mommies posted at Adventures in Juggling, a survey conducted by maternal child nursing experts. “Sleep-deprived new mommies, here is you chance to tell the experts how much sleep you aren’t getting!”
Suzanne presents how to help a family with a medical emergency that lands them in I.C.U. posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.
Alvaro Fernandez presents Neurogenesis and Brain Plasticity in Adult Brains posted at SharpBrains: Your Window into the Brain Fitness Revolution. Alvaro tells us that “adults may have a tendency to become ’set in their ways,’ but change can keep aging brains healthy.”
Stephanie presents The Elephant posted at Stop the Ride!.
Family Humor
6. “I like these guys. They are funny guys. Just kill one of them.”
Riley presents Swimming With Sharks posted at All Rileyed Up.
T. Dalia presents I’ll get you my pretty posted at Daily Dalia.
TherapyDoc presents Kids Say the Darndest Things posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Kyle James presents Grocery Shopping With Kids: A Dad’s Perspective posted at Kyle.
Mrs Cleaver presents Baby Birthdays, Batteries, Toys, and Injections posted at Not Quite Cookie Cutter.
Gabriel Almada presents Wedding plans posted at Live from Waterloo.
Family Relationships and Self-Improvement
7. “I was sitting there alone on prom night, in a rented tuxedo, and my whole life flashed before my eyes. And I realized finally, and for the first time, that I wanted to kill somebody. So I figured since I loved you so much, it’d be a good idea if I didn’t see you anymore.”
Carole Gold presents It’s All About Energy posted at McKay Today, saying, “What’s the secret to successful, long-lasting relationships?”
Sally Huss presents Epidemic of Happiness posted at Addicted to Happiness!. She wants to unleash an “epidemic” of happiness, especially within families.
Alex Smith presents Who Really Needs to Learn Self-Defense posted at TBO-Tech.
dawn presents My Biggest Asset. . . posted at Iowahippiechick about her 27-year marriage.
Donald Latumahina presents How to Manage a Long Distance Relationship posted at Life Optimizer.
Machione presents Memorial Day Special - Remembering Todd Christopher Weaver posted at The North Canton Beat.
Family Travel
8. “Some people find it ironical that although we run a travel agency, we’ve never been outside of Blaine.”
Matthew Paulson presents Avoiding Baggage Fees: Organized Packing Tips posted at The Travel Advocate.
Machione presents Beech Creek Butterfly House Is Great Entertainment posted at Stark County, Ohio News And Views…, saying, “Families are traveling from near and far to visit this new butterfly house.”
Parenting Tips and Advice
9. “My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non Greeks about being Greek and every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.”
Abel Cheng presents The One Reason Why Your Child Can’t Be An All-Rounder posted at Parent Wonder.
Kevin presents Tips for Handling Parental Frustration posted at More4kids.
Thank you all for participating in the Carnival this week!
You can submit a blog article for the August 18, 2008, Summer Memories Edition of the Carnival, hosted at The Frugal Homesteading Blog, by clicking here!
The Carnival archive can be viewed here.
Interested in hosting a future edition? Review the schedule here and then drop a line letting JHS know the week you would like to have the Carnival visit your site!
Answers: 1. School of Rock. 2. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 3. Happy Gilmore 4. Arthur 5. Arsenic and Old Lace 6. Three Amigos 7. Grosse Pointe Blank 8. Waiting for Guffman 9. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The Unexpected Party August 10, 2008
A conversation between Husband and me yesterday morning:
Me: Honey, remember how I told you B’s going away party was cancelled?
Husband: Yes.
Me: It’s back on.
Husband: Okay, so where is it again? W’s house?
Me: Well, that’s where it was going to be. But now, it’s going to be here.
Husband: (blank stare)
Me: At our house. (points to the ground for emphasis)
Husband: (laughter) Okay.
And that’s how I wound up having a party at my house last night. It wasn’t a big party. In fact, it was rather small. It was supposed to be 8 adults and 4 kids with a possible 2 more adults and 1 more kid and wound up being 6 adults and 2 kids. (I feel like I just wrote a word problem. So how many people did not attend the party? Please show all your work.)
The party was in honor of B, who is moving to Atlanta at the end of the month. By nature, I only clean when I have a party, so my plans for the day went out the window as I swept and dusted and vacuumed and scoured, and ultimately gave up on the cleaning because it was time to start cooking. Good thing I had just gone grocery shopping, and had tons of food.
We gave our friend her going away present, which included a book for her kids, P is for Peaches, an alphabet picture book all about Georgia (and fortunately, says nothing like C M ED BD Is O L I B M R Snakes).
I had planned to make B’s going-away card, which was to be humorous tips on living in the South, since she’s never lived there. But I spent all the time I would have spent on her card cleaning my house. I purchased her a Simpsons card instead, which was probably funnier anyway. While we were eating, the subject of their moving company came up, and they mentioned (with irritation) that their mover told them he wanted to get them moved into their house by such and such date and time because he didn’t want to miss the game, and oh, how I laughed.
That was my tip number one: Welcome to the South. They love their college football.
Grocery Shopping Through the Years August 8, 2008
Ten Years Old:
I went to the store with my dad. Food Lion, Winn Dixie, or Publix. We had lots of coupons. We bought generic or store brand mac and cheese, bologna, pork sausage, rice, enriched white bread, and flavored drinks (ie, not real Kool-Aid). I often asked for Golden Grahams and Cookie Crisp. On occasion, I got them.
Twenty Years Old:
I spent most of my money on non-food items. But the food items I tended to buy would be Kraft mac and cheese (only the good stuff!), oven pizzas, string cheese, rainbow sherbert, hot dogs, dry pasta and jars of tomato sauce. And Golden Grahams and Cookie Crisp to my heart’s content.
Now:
The kids and I went to South Coast Farms this morning, where we picked out locally grown, organic fruits and veggies to eat for the next week. We spent the most time at the box of brandywine tomatoes. If you haven’t seen these kinds of tomatoes before, you are missing out. Brandywines are always vividly colored and interestingly shaped, like scrunched-up faces of green, orange, yellow, and red stripes. After South Coast Farms, we moved on to Henry’s Farmers Market, where I needed to buy tempeh, quinoa, amaranth, Lara bars, hemp milk, Amy’s no cheese frozen pizza, and goat milk cheddar.
I hadn’t been to Henry’s in a while, so maybe I just forgot what products they stock. They were out of tempeh and Amy’s no cheese pizza, the only hemp milk they carry contains brown rice syrup, and no amaranth. They did have the quinoa, Lara bars, and goat milk cheddar, but I can get Lara bars and quinoa at the Trader Joe’s down the street from my house and I would happily have given up the goat milk cheddar for tempeh and amaranth.
I should have just bucked up and driven the additional twenty minutes to Mother’s or the extra thirty minutes to that glorious Whole Foods in Tustin, where they definitely would have had the things I need, but the kids were starting to get hungry. So we went home and made a lunch of our newly purchased fruits and veggies. Now I’m planning dinner, and I’m craving tempeh stroganoff because I know I don’t have the ingredients for it. I hate doing this to myself. I think I’m going to drive to Mother’s after all.
In other news, my transition to being a total Californian is complete.
A Trip to the San Diego Zoo August 7, 2008
First, a reminder to stop by my CD giveaway
So I went to the San Diego Zoo on Tuesday. It was two moms and four kids. First off, I fully respect all the moms of more than two children out there. I have no idea how you do it. Four kids between me and my friend was PLENTY. As for the San Diego Zoo, it’s been a couple years since my last visit. I can’t wait to go back. The zoo is so big, we only got around to half the exhibits. Here are some of the things we did and saw:
1. 
Poor thing. Who named him? A drunk frat boy?
2. 
“So then I says to him, what do take you me for, a llama!!! HAHAHAHAHA!”
Camels. The stand up comics of the animal kingdom.
3. 
This was pretty cool: the orangutan befriended the kids through the glass. He tried to give them that little stick of hay and played peek-a-boo and put his hand up to the glass to their hands a la the gorilla in Return to Me.
4. 
Speaking of gorillas, here they are at feeding time. We arrived to see the gorillas just as the food was being thrown to them. It was kind of like the flying cabbages at the St Paddy’s Day parade in New Orleans. Only the gorillas were adept at catching the throws, unlike drunk humans.
5. 
The exploding toilet bowl. How nasty is that? My friend flushed the toilet and the water shot up and onto her. Horrifying.
6. (Imagine a cute picture right here)
The sea otters were awesome. They frolicked. They played. They kissed. They bit. Yeah, that’s right. They’s freaky.
7. 
This little baby warthog (at least, I think it’s a warthog) mesmerized my kids.
8. I have no pictures from the snake exhibit but I saw a ginormous albino Burmese python and an equally ginormous Anaconda, a shedding King Cobra, and a Band Lizard hanging upside down in his terrarium.
9. 
Dr. Zoolittle’s Amazing Amazon Adventures. Really, not that amazing, and not that much about the Amazon either. But the kids liked him.
10. I also have no pictures from the insect exhibit because they creeped me out a little too much to pull out my camera. Hissing cockroaches, stick insects, leaf insects, dead leaf mantises, bird eating spider (Little No Limit didn’t even want to stand too close to the glass with that one)
11. (imagine a picture with absolutely nothing exciting going on in it)
Koala bears: somewhat anticlimactic. They chilled out in a tree while a wallaby slept in the shade.
12. 
Siamangs love popcorn as much as my kids do.
13. 
But the kids love cotton candy even more.
